The first time I hooked up with a guy, I was certain that making out marked the beginning of a romantic relationship. I was 16 and studying at a boarding school in Italy. In my home country, relationships were simple; people would meet in class, message each other on Facebook, go out for walks. After a couple of months, they would kiss for the first time, which meant that they were dating. Elsewhere, it seemed, the rules are different. Even when the guy I was kissing explained that he was not looking for commitment, I was certain that he would change his mind eventually. When I realized that not everyone gets the romantic ending that Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake get in Friends with Benefits, I was already attached and faced a Catch-22 of hooking up — If I quit, it would hurt me not to be with him. If I stayed, it would hurt to always want more.

Five years later, the passionate feminist in me is still perplexed by the phenomenon of hooking up. Feminism facilitated sexual liberation, which in turn helped the spread of noncommittal relationships on college campuses. Still, what if hookup culture is toxic for women? What if instead of becoming liberated we are disappointed, disrespected and heartbroken?

Before writing this article, I wanted to speak to as many girls as possible about their romantic and sexual experiences.

“It is just that we, as women, are more emotional — we get attached. I don’t want to be the one to admit it, but it’s true,” shared one particularly independent mathematician.

I cringe because I cannot deny that she might be right. In her book Hooking Up, sociologist Kathleen A. Bogle explores the idea that more women want long-term relationships than men, using ethnographic interviews as evidence. Stories that I’ve witnessed attest to her conclusions. But it seems wrong to me that it is in women’s nature to get attached, to be more vulnerable than guys. We are ambitious global leaders, top students, hard-working advocates — how can we be reduced to obsessing over a guy’s Facebook message, or even worse, the lack of a message? Though it is hard to swallow, we obsess anyway, and I blame it on double standards.

In a liberal social setting women are allowed to be sexual, but only to a certain extent.

“For women [...] the hookup system is fraught with pitfalls that lead to being labeled ‘a slut’,” Bogel writes in Hooking Up.

Interestingly, boys with an array of hookups are usually jokingly called players or studs. Men’s promiscuity is rarely looked down upon. In my culture, it can even become a matter of pride. On the other hand, what happens to girls labeled as easy? I’ve seen examples of some being ridiculed and becoming depressed, while others internalized their label and started becoming even more promiscuous, thinking they were rebelling, but subconsciously doubting whether they were worthy of love.

What I was sad to observe was how other women looked at those who they considered sluts. I expected that girls would be supportive of each other, yet every time they talked about who ended up together the previous night, they judged women more harshly than men. I got tired of hearing questions such as, How could she let herself do that? or What was she thinking? and comments describing the hookup as being on the verge of disgusting or sad to watch. By condemning female behavior, women actively participate in the subjugation of other women. The position of an observer creates an illusion of having the power to police gender roles, which is typically reserved for men. It appears that these girls are able to exempt themselves from constrictive gender expectations by participating in the broader societal enforcement of female gender roles, yet I don’t blame them. It is easy to fall into a such a trap, but it is important to remember that we need to be gentle to each other. Putting others down won’t make us grow in anyone’s eyes.

Another important implication of the hooking up double standard is that having a large number of sexual partners threatens a woman's prospects of getting into a stable relationship. Many of the men that Bogle interviewed criticized women who participated in the hookup culture. This double standard also causes men to disrespect women for sleeping with them. Ever since I was a child, I was advised to play hard to get, and told to let the guy take the lead. Each time I wouldn’t, I’d fear that the guy would not take me seriously, or want me in any other way apart from sexually. So I started pretending; I act sweeter, cuter, more innocent and distant when I am in front of a person I like. I know it is wrong and misleading, but I still do it.

However, we need to beware of the stereotype that men don’t care. It took me a while to realize that they actually do. Even if it seems that hookup culture only benefits guys, most of them will not admit to being hurt by a girl or feeling objectified. Men usually confide in women when it comes to their feelings, especially those they are intimate with. Can you imagine a frat boy complaining to his squad that the girl he met the night before hasn’t texted him yet and asking them what to do? He would be ridiculed. Gender stereotypes work both ways and can also make men feel insecure and alienated.

So is there a way to avoid dating, but still be emotionally fulfilled in college? Instead of being hookup buddies, can’t we become lovers who avoid excessive romantic attachment — planning for the future and expecting a fairy tale ending — while still being prepared to be vulnerable in front of each other? If we can find someone who cares for us, we learn and we grow without losing our freedom. I can already hear you objecting, asking, What about the Catch-22? How do I ensure I won’t get overly attached or hurt? Well, you cannot. You learn how to enjoy every moment without an obsessive need to control what is going to happen in the future. In case you feel attached, you say so shamelessly — there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable in front of a person who knows you intimately, as long as you know how to gracefully let go of relationships not meant for you. No arrangement should be a game in which the player who cares less wins. Finally, my grandma’s cliché is right: a bird does not land on a branch hoping that the wood won’t break, it lands because it trusts the power of its own wings. You can always fly away if you need to.