Graphic by Megan Eloise/The Gazelle

Four score and one and a half months ago, I walked into A3-001 with a copy of Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health and a Tom Cruise poster. Fifteen minutes into anxiety-inducing locutions — specific heat, molar mass, work — I realized that I had not, in fact, signed up for Foundations of Scientology.

So what happens behind the closed doors of this hallowed precinct? Do covalent bonds coalesce into compounds, or are confounded, caffeinated creatures rendered comatose? This series attempts humble answers to these and myriad other questions about this seemingly obtuse course. Through categorical dumbing-down of concepts, watch as a young, naïve freshman FOSters a keen sense of inquisitiveness and unmatched incredulity towards science and prepares for his midterms.

This week, 98 of my fellow foot soldiers and I mounted on a cerebral expedition to comprehend...

What thermodynamics is: the study of heat and associated forms of energy.

What thermodynamics is not: my physics professor’s new mixtape.

The concept is arguably hard. At first, the math had alphabets; by the end of class, it only had alphabets.

But the Laws of Thermodynamics are fundamental, logically bulletproof and will leave you questioning the unquestionable. With the combined powers of curiosity and clickbait, Candy FoS presents: THREE SIIIIICK LAWS THAT GOVERN THE UNIVERSE. No. 2 will never be the same!

Didn’t see that coming? Neither did natural numbers. This scholarly equivalent of the Pumpkin Spice Latte is so basic to the understanding of thermodynamics, it precedes the intuitively more important first law. The zeroth law is akin to remembering you have math homework in the middle of the night. But since college life demands 9GAGing till 3 a.m., questioning life choices and then hitting refresh, your friend wouldn’t have done the homework either.

The temperamental difference – panic versus oblivion – is analogous to a temperature difference. When both panic, we have achieved thermal equilibrium: same temper[ature+ament]. But the friend has another friend who hasn’t done it either. Pandemonium ensues, but hey, all three are on the same page now.

Question: Susan has no eggs, flour, milk, baking powder or butter. How many pancakes can she make on Jupiter, assuming acceleration of gravity to be 24.79 ms^-2?

Answer choices:

a) Depends

b) 5.3

c) 0

d) Insufficient data – does Jupiter have meal swipes?

If you answered c), congratulations! You understand that it is impossible to make something out of nothing, no matter where you are in the universe. The first law of thermodynamics is a Korean-dubbed reboot of your favourite 90s film: Antoine Lavoiser’s blockbuster, The Law of Conservation of Energy, but in the language of thermodynamic systems.

Thus, Susan needs something to begin with to convert it to something else. She also needs a ride back to earth.

After one like and no comments on the Facebook group NYUAD Free and For Sale for my Tom Cruise poster, I tore it up in a fit of fury. Unknowingly, I fulfilled my duty as an agent of increasing disorder in the universe. Reversing an irreversible change? Now that’s a Mission: Impossible.

The second law is where things begin to get loopy. If you thought physics was full of gross oversimplifications, the second law ascribes a metric to measure disorder – it’s called entropy. No matter what we do, how we do or why we do something, the universe, as a whole, is increasingly becoming disordered. Catastrophic as this may sound, our seemingly nominal contribution to increasing entropy is truly the only way we can etch ourselves onto the fabric of time.

So the next time you invite a friend over to your place, don’t clean up – entropy will increase anyway. And if you end up losing said friend, visit me. I’ll be in my room 9GAG-ing.