Graphic by Megan Eloise/The Gazelle

In a school as diverse as NYU Abu Dhabi, cross-cultural learning might be one of our strongest draws. We mash our dissimilarities together into an extensive curriculum, creating learning material, taking pride in multi-continent friend groups and squabbling over whose method of coffee-making is better, or which culture has the best innate sense of rhythm.

In one domain, however, there sometimes remains an unwillingness to broach these inter-cultural gaps. When it comes to dating, many still retain the sentiment that certain cultures or races are simply not attractive or sexual, using personal subjectivity as justification for what may otherwise be seen as inherent racism. Groups that are often sexually and romantically overlooked are East and Southeast Asian males.

Senior Lingliang Zhang said that he has heard the phrase “not into Asians” too many times to count. As a New Zealand-raised Chinese, Zhang said that the bias he has encountered against East and Southeast Asian males is both demoralizing and unnecessarily narrow-minded.

“You’ve heard it so many times that you start to think anyone not the same race as you won’t be attracted to you,” Zhang said.

“We have this idea that the [choice of] people we like is completely subjective and all about personal preference,” said Zhang. “But I think in reality, like everything else, it’s completely influenced by stereotypes and norms.”

Senior Geo Kamus agreed that the sentiment was never pleasant to hear.

“I don’t think there’s much to say except that it hurts,” Kamus said. “It paints all interactions in a very pointed way. I can’t help but feel that I’m still a novelty, somebody that people don’t take so seriously in a relationship.”

Senior Veronica Houk explained that framing personal bias as justified, simply by virtue of the fact that it is personal, is harmful in that it allows a subtle form of bigotry to flourish. She believes the sentiment cannot be personal because its object is another person, who then becomes a victim of discrimination.

Houk also noted that there may be another element of racism to this bias in that often, this line is applied specifically to East and Southeast Asians.

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Students also spoke about the ways in which East and Southeast Asian masculinity is deeply misunderstood and misinterpreted. Zhang perceived an enormous mismatch in ideals of what it means to be manly, and said that because these ideals differ between cultures, East and Southeast Asian males must constantly work to conform to a distant ideal of masculinity.

“For example, in traditional Asian culture, someone is considered masculine if they have really high respect for their parents, have a lot of wisdom, use their words well,” explained Zhang. “Western masculinity has more of a focus on being really athletic and really dominant. So you see people who — because they’re Asian — want to overcompensate, or be someone they wouldn’t be otherwise, just to overcome the stereotype.”

Houk mirrored this sentiment exactly, explaining that the disjoint between cultures led to a lack of understanding about sexuality and openness to dating.

“Many Asian countries emphasize behaviors that may be at odds with Western expectations of dating in young adulthood,” said Houk. “There are also some cultural differences that may not be attractive to people with Western values.”

“There’s still a belittling of some of the cultural aspects of being Asian, and I think there’s these sexual stereotypes that are related to Asian men,” Houk elaborated. “It kind of sounds like a joke to say that, but I think it’s a very real myth or concern.”

On walking this line between conforming to expectations of masculinity and simply eschewing those who sanction it, Zhang and Kamus were unanimous in agreeing that it was a near-impossible task.

“Sometimes you feel like you have to work for it, to change who you are, just to signal that, ‘Hey, I’m available, and I’m also into these things’ — trying to act in a way that you wouldn’t normally act or is not necessarily you, just to get over this idea,” said Zhang.

Kamus was formerly resistant to the stereotypes attached to Southeast Asian males.

“I used to feel like I had to prove something to people, like either that I’m not Asian or at least the stereotypes that are associated with it are wrong. But now I’m like, you know what, I am Asian,” said Kamus. “I’m not going to apologize for who I am or what I represent.”

Senior Isabelle Galet-Lalande, who has experienced judgement for having East or Southeast Asian male partners, said that she did not ever feel that her partners’ masculinity was compromised by race.

“I never questioned their masculinity, though I can tell that they were very aware of it — they had a very stylized notion of what masculinity meant to them,” she said.

This construct does not work the same way for both genders. According to public OkCupid data, East and Southeast Asians are the least desired male race but among the most desired female race.

“Our culture seems to fetishize Asian women in a way they do not men,” said Galet-Lalande.

All students interviewed also pointed to the media as propagators of flawed conceptualizations of East and Southeast Asian males. Zhang noted that the idea of an interracial couple is framed as unusual by the media. Galet-Lalande gave a real-life example, saying that a common sentiment from her friends and family was surprise at connecting the verbal description she had given of a Southeast Asian partner and a photo she would then show of him.

Houk agreed that the media severely misrepresents East and Southeast Asian males, speaking to the comical-but-desexualized archetype à la Mr. Chow from The Hangover.

“I think especially in the U.S., the media still treats Asians as funny, as the butt of jokes...but I also think that the media victimizes China in the U.S., so that we feel culturally separated and there’s not much of an affinity there,” said Houk.

Kamus saw something even more worrisome in media portrayals, speculating that East and Southeast Asians are painted as outsiders in order to reinforce an in-group/out-group rhetoric and push them towards constant self-parody. Galet-Lalande agreed, interpreting East and Southeast Asian attractiveness as a potential threat to white male dominance.

“The whole hating on Asian guys thing may well be attempting to pinpoint them as the weaker counterpart to white males ... There’s been so many examples of that in the media — there’s always the dorky Asian guy,” said Galet-Lalande.

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This issue perhaps becomes dangerous rather than just irritating in relatively more homogenous societies where East and Southeast Asians are not well represented, thereby making them easier to stereotype. Lacking ethnic diversity, a stereotype can then slowly become accepted as factual.

In an anonymous interview, a student explained that she could never be physically attracted to East and Southeast Asian males. In unpacking this sentiment, she explained that the bias was heavily influenced by her intercultural exposure in high school, which was severely limited and in which East and Southeast Asian students were pigeonholed as nerds.

“It’s not a very logical thing,” she explained. “It’s not like I go through steps in my mind whenever I see an Asian person. It’s just a thing that is literally common knowledge at home, that Asians aren’t attractive.”

This student also said that being at NYUAD has broadened her conception of attractiveness, and that meeting so many people who identify as East and Southeast Asian and do not fit the above stereotype has been instrumental in reducing her bias. The student also believed that this bias was so implicit in her home country that there was very little awareness that it was even a hurtful sentiment.

“People’s mentalities have to change, but nobody at home sees that what they are thinking is wrong,” she said.

Zhang concluded that being more conscious of one’s words might be beneficial in overcoming these pervasive biases against East and Southeast Asian males.

“It’s such a personal and involved thing, choosing who to date, that maybe people think of it as beyond social responsibility,” Zhang said. “But know that this is affecting people, it can be damaging to self-esteem and self-confidence, and prevent potentially great relationships from happening."

"So there’s a lot of good that can come out of it, if we just challenge it, try it — try to get over these biases," he added.