As far as islands go, Saadiyat is a pretty great one. We have the sea, sand in all the wrong places and canned coconut water costing a reasonable four dirhams. It’s just like Hawaii or Madagascar. Actually, we’re better than Hawaii and Madagascar; we don’t have zebras, lemurs or anything that might like to “move it, move it.”

In fact, the closest we come to wildlife is the Party Animals of Saadiyat Island and Eric, the staff member who was the model for Tarzan. This is a blessing, because it means that nothing wild can kill us.

Until Biodiversity happened.

In addition to the most diverse student body in the world, NYU Abu Dhabi is now also home to the most diverse variety of Wild Things. Spiders. Slugs. Baby geckos. Presumably, adult geckos. Cacti. Small children. It’s terrifying; they could film a very realistic Man vs. Wild episode here.

Of course, we weren’t very pleased about the Deadly Creatures That Lie In Wait On The Highline.

“Do something!” we begged the university. “Protect us from these Harbingers of Death! Don’t let the spiders eat us!” Somewhere in the background, Ecoherence was yelling, “Guys, remember to take pictures of the spiders before they eat you! Biodiversity rocks!”

Thankfully, NYU Abu Dhabi acknowledged our grievances; “K,” they responded, “We’ll deal with the Wild Things.”

And they did. Somewhat.

They dealt with the Small Children.

I walked by the Arts Center the other day to find a large number of small children in what can only be described as a pen. They were cooped up behind fences, joyfully playing with their cardboard boxes. When I inquired as to the happenings, I was told that it was the Polyglot Theatre. Yeah, right. Here were fenced-in children going about their everyday lives, as spectators looked on and enjoyed themselves. It was clearly a zoo. I was incredulous. What was next? A campus safari tour?

As it so happens, yes.

If you walk around after dark, you’ll notice that we have a fully operational safari. Last week, I was hiding in some bushes hoping to spot the elusive spider of Saadiyat. I claimed to be taking pictures for Ecoherence but in reality, I was hoping to acquire spidey-skills — I’m so tired of having to climb Saadiyat stairs.

I was just about to give up when I heard rumbling. Overjoyed and terrified at being faced with the last of the wooly mammoths, or a camel, I wore my best David Attenborough expression and sat still. I watched with bated breath as the magnificent creature floated around the corner. It was a golf cart, commandeered by two Public Safety officials. As it passed by, one of the officials drew out his hand and pointed to the campus cat, asleep a few feet away from me.

“And this one’s called Schrödinger!”

That’s when it hit me — an epiphany, not the golf cart. Cats called Schrödinger? Cardboard boxes? Fancy words like Polyglot?

NYUAD is just one giant thought experiment.

Saadiyat has the Louvre. It has the Guggenheim. It has Tarzan. And now, it has wildlife. The wildlife is you. Not spiders, baby geckos or baby humans. You.

The conundrum here is that, until someone opens the Saadiyat box, you are both students and wildlife at the same time.

Remember all those fire alarms, when you were herded outside? Think of all that free food — the saying, “There’s no such thing as a free meal,” doesn’t apply to Wild Things. Of course, there is also the question of the watering holes — when there are no disposable paper cups available I resort to lapping up water with my tongue. Aside from the fact that I’m terribly short, this makes me indistinguishable from a giraffe. So am I human or am I wildlife, or as Schrödinger might say, am I both?

With this proposition, I’ve probably given you occasion for great internal conflict. You can’t possibly go home this winter and tell your family that you are now officially a llama. So how do you decide whether you’re human or fauna?

It all depends on one question: has Ecoherence ever taken pictures of you?