Dear T,

Let me start by saying that I love that you are all butterflies and rainbows, but I hate the way you leave me behind, chasing a pot of gold, when I know you prefer silver.

Remember that day we were doing work together in your house? We were in your living room. I was sitting across from you, looking out the window, staring at the city behind you.

You were reading something for some class and I was studying for a quiz. I was reading about self-verification theory. Do you know what that is? Maybe you learned it last year. We, as social beings, are just looking to be seen the way we see ourselves. Essentially, we accept the love we think we deserve.

That is what I do with you. Though your love is more than just unkind, your love is a love that takes. The love you wait for, that never comes, only on a lonely night, where you put your head against mine, and the cold silence while you catch me vulnerable, only lasts for a second, yet long enough for me to forgive you all over again. Your love is a love that breaks.

Do you remember that day? We laid in your bed and you put your head against mine and I could not breathe. I felt like my heart was pounding out my chest, I guess disaster does take us all, eventually.

But I still have not been able to breathe again, not after that day. Do you remember what happened after that? Do you remember how you supported me that day? How you told me I do not owe anyone anything if I am not up to it? Do you remember how you told me it was okay if I was not able to speak? Because it did not happen. You told me it was okay to take my time and space, but when the popo hit the fan, all you told me was that you could understand why what I did was wrong in the eyes of another. My space, my time, somehow mattered less to you because someone else threw a tantrum. I guess you do not remember that I am always a secondary thought to you when literally anyone else is around, because you are scared of not being alone, and the people who really matter to you, you leave behind chasing futile and unfulfilling relationships. You just cannot remember.

I guess you do not remember how you told me we could not go out unless we spent money and I did not have any, so all you said was “see you in class.” Do you remember how your friend said to my face that they would do anything to be your roommate instead of me? Do you remember how you said nothing? Do you remember when I told you about my social anxiety and you watched me leave my own dorm, because you said a party of two was not enough? Do you remember when I told you I felt left out, and you said that it was just my perspective?

You put on this facade of friendliness, but that's not who you are. You carry your demons in your pocket, and you mask it with a smile. Taking and using anyone who lets you. You know your love is a love that takes.

You know what other day I remember? I remember during Marhaba, one day I was sitting in the marketplace in a corner, while you were off socializing. I was telling someone how I wanted to leave campus, they offered me a ride and I said I could not. What if you needed me? I remember that day, and all I remember is regret.

I hope you ride your rainbow and reach your pot of gold, and when your face falls with disappointment and you look behind you and no one is there, that is because all of your friends have left after they got what they needed. Because a love like yours, is not the kind that lasts, just the kind that takes. But it never bothered you, it was out of view.

I hope the love you get is a love that breaks, and when you remember me, you will wonder what went wrong. And when I think of you, I will just think of the view of the city, out your window, and I will finally be able to breathe.

Love,

Verse Satile