It is no secret that we have all been struggling to feed ourselves these days. While actually having to provide for ourselves is still a distant and unthinkable prospect, it is no secret that our Monopoly money — in its million forms — no longer goes very far. Despite inflation, a global supply chain crisis and classic corporate greed, the amount of campus dirhams that is supposed to constitute a full meal has not changed since Saadiyat was merely a desolate patch of sand.

Fami Shed, Class of 2025, questions how he is supposed to develop a body worthy of the streets of SoHo for his study away when one protein portion constitutes three bites of chicken. “I thought I’d just get a bowl of shredded cheese from the salad bar, but somehow it was ‘too tall’!,” he said in outrage. With a salmon combo costing close to one and a half swipes, he has had no choice but to mooch swipes off his suitemate who goes home to Fujairah every weekend. Not everyone is that fortunate, however.

Unprecedented times call for unprecedented measures. The rest of the world stopped using that phrase last year, but in our resilient community, it still conveys the gravity of our situations. I have consulted a group of concerned, hungry students across all classes, backgrounds and dietary desires to tell you how you can starve no more.

Our first tip: acquire a hydraulic press, by any means possible. NYU Abu Dhabi has not shown such a ready willingness to cut back in every area. You can get your hands on one of these YouTube-famous machines by convincing the Department of Engineering you need it for your capstone research. Voilà, you have finally unlocked the secret to making a salad that isn’t “too tall”. Grind up those vegetable dumplings that cost about ten dirhams per bite or your royal breast of chicken and get your spoon and three ‘small’ salad bowls ready. “Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence,” said Vincent Van Gogh — and is not our premium food the perfect inspiration for a starry night? Learn to play another octave and take on the food you hold dear, like Stephen’s wonderful omelets, in a new form.

Making some enemies never hurt anyone. On a small campus, the possibilities of wanting to avoid someone — and still bumping into them every day — are endless. When that person is somehow in line in front of you everyday, you might realize that the leftover shawarma sitting in your fridge is actually pretty appealing. Try hard enough and you will only go to D2 to raid the Subjects counter after the gym closes for the night. We can not make any guarantees about that not being horrifically overpriced either, but it is worth a try. Get dragged into all the drama that you possibly can. If you don’t know all the ways to make your interpersonal relations go wrong yet, here are some examples. Say you are too busy to work on every group project and make it a game to dodge your groupmates whose texts you never respond to. Skip all of your classes except the first one, and try to avoid your professor ever asking if you are okay. Or download Tinder.

Plead with every one of your acquaintances for swipes Continuing with the theme of having just the right amount of shame in yourself, you have a lot of platforms to work with. There are class group chats, multiple social media groups and that guy you see in the hallway every day. At least one of them is bound to never eat at the dining hall. Maybe they are their own personal chef. Maybe they are rich enough to go to Dubai every weekend and order Deliveroo for every other meal, and just possibly, they will part with their precious swipes!

Should all that not work, consider old-fashioned begging Yes, maybe standing outside the East Dining Hall with a cardboard sign saying “will work for meal swipes” should be normalized. As the population of economics-majoring snakes at this university increases, free swipes might be harder to come by. But people will do anything to earn a quick buck as the value of financial aid and stipends evaporate.

If all else fails, just walk out with your food We aren’t advocating for this in any way, but who is going to stop you, after all? Defend your right to have American portion sizes at an American university.