Last month, a student assistant in the Center for Social Inertia finally managed to confirm what he had been suspecting about his peers all along. Rather than going on to change the world like true “global leaders,” the vast majority of them were working to perpetuate existing inequalities and maintain the exploitative status quo.

Beeg Fore, Class of 2023, and his research team surveyed the Life Beyond Saadiyat reports, the career paths of recent graduates and students’ conversations at D2 during Tuesday lunches.

“In this methodologically rigorous survey, we managed to find that precisely three-quarters of students will go on to help maintain the abusive status quo like good Musk-eteers,” said Fore. Collected from the most active Room of Requirement ranters, the most popular occupations among this group include corporate robber baron, middle class destroyer and chief PowerPoint executive.

“Our analysis also shows that most of us don’t really care about other human beings in the rest of the world. Where is the incentive to want to work anywhere that isn’t London, New York or San Francisco when our curriculum never involves readings from outside the Anglosphere anyway?” concluded the paper. “I think that we know something’s up when students are romanticizing workaholism and thirty dirham lattes simply because that’s the most exciting thing available on this deserted island.”

Some even lack the time to savor overpriced coffee because the shortest break on their Google Calendar at any given point is ten minutes. “Free time is time wasted. This weekend I’ll be studying for my five midterms, working on a presentation, planning a conference, applying to every internship on Handshake and maybe getting three hours of sleep,” said Pri Profisenal, Class of 2024. “Not like there’s anything to do for fun in this city that doesn’t require taking out the student loans I came here not to have. At least if I do this, maybe I can eventually travel every month for work when they actually give me my passport back.”

In fact, the observed percentage of students maintaining the status quo would have been higher if the study hadn’t accounted for one fact: one-fifth of the surveyed graduates are unemployed. “Why might that be? I worked really hard, but ultimately no one knows what the hell “Oxygen” and “Water” are on my transcript. I’m glad I had the transformative global opportunity to tell employers that I’m alive and know what to eat to keep myself from dying, but that’s not enough in this cutthroat world,” remarked alumnus Serch Ingdespritli, Class of 2020.

Fore will soon be looking into the secrets of the remaining five percent who, despite pervasive social pressure and the amount of core and major requirements they needed to fill up over four years, managed to buck the trend. The reasons for this remain largely a mystery, but one place to start might be their ability to step away from LinkedIn for a week. Their secrets will become the university’s sponsored marketing reports for the next ten years to be displayed in the Campus Center bathrooms — from urinals to the back of stall doors — in the hope that students will internalize these messages.

Unfortunately, the workaholism prevailing on campus makes it unsure if students will respond positively to the publication of these findings. “Work-life balance? Haven’t seen that since high school,” said Fore matter-of-factly.

Having the time to handle new and useful duties is but a long-gone relic of the past for many. “I’ve already stocked up on caffeine pills for the next three semesters, watched every Jordan Peterson speech to learn the secrets to life and signed my soul over to every malignant deity in hopes that the FoS curve is favorable to me,” said Profisenal.

Perhaps it will take several additional semesters for any of these students to focus on quality over quantity, but until then, NYUAD graduates will be well-prepared to enter the corporate world and represent values that the university’s mission rejects.