As with many in the Class of 2021, Hipir Exdurnilivalidayded has had a difficult senior year. A capstone that couldn’t be fully realized, fun gatherings that couldn’t materialize and insecure anxieties that only continued to mount have weighed heavily on him. But as of last week, he finally has a conduit to release it all. Like an over-eager first year trying way too hard to impress the professor, Exdurnilivalidayded literally will not shut up even though he finished making his point at least eight minutes ago. The point in question? Exdurnilivalidayded will be going to grad school next year.

“I’m just so excited,” explained Exdurnilivalidayded during his 94-minute-long interview. “I’ve been doing school for the last 16 years of my life and I’m terrified to do literally anything else. I can’t wait to crawl back into that comfortable womb of academia while I wait out the Covid recession job market.”

His inability to express thoughts on literally any other topic is nothing new. Even back in November, Exdurnilivalidayded wouldn’t shut up about the application process. Whether re-re-relitigating the difference between a masters and a PhD, if and how to take the GRE or which not-at-all-over-exaggerated anecdote should frame his personal statement, the tiresome refrain had reached D2-bashing levels of cliché.

Perhaps the greatest source of consternation, however, came with letters of recommendation.

“Asking out my long-time crush? Easy,” he said. “Inquiring about salary range during an interview? No sweat! But asking the super friendly professor who taught me for three semesters and supervises my lab research for a rec letter … I was so self-conscious I nearly died.”

“The week leading up to the application was brutal for us,” recalled Dunwityursh Italongtimago, Class of 2021 and Exdurnilivalidayded’s friend. “Two of his professors didn’t submit their letters until the day before the deadline and the third missed it entirely. Guess who had to explain that a fifth email at 2:13 a.m. wasn’t gonna change anything.”

While Italongtimago got a minor reprieve in the weeks to follow, once admission decisions came out, not a single living soul or inanimate object within earshot of Exdurnilivalidayded was free.

“I’ve congratulated him like five times,” said Italongtimago, “but everytime I see him, he still asks if he’s told me that his top choice got back to him.”

When asked whether he might be letting his pride get the better of him, Exdurnilivalidayded responded, “Oh, I can take a rejection letter. But the pain of having an entire 20 minute conversation without being asked about my post-grad plans once … that stings.”

To rectify this gross injustice, he took to social media. While most students hold themselves to two normal channels — LinkedIn and letting your parents post it on Facebook so you can still get the praise you crave without needing to reveal the true depths of your egomania — Exdurnilivalidayded wanted more.

Given his true lack of any shame whatsoever, Exdurnilivalidayded decided to post a “Thank you” message on the Room of Requirement Facebook page​ to announce how humbled he was to get into Oxbridgevard University and how grateful he was for such a supportive and insecurity-stoking community.

Perhaps the only one prouder of Exdurnilivalidayded than himself was the Career Development Center. Continuing their long-standing policy of treating universities outside the U.S. and U.K. as absolute garbage, the CDC was more than willing to celebrate Exdurnilivalidayded’s prestigious admission on official social media and marketing materials.

“Why would we celebrate students finding programs and careers that serve their immediate community needs or provide the most personally fulfilling experiences?” asked career counselor Dontwor Eabowtdaviza. “We’re just here to produce and promote prestigious alumni. What would you have us do next? Start advertising a representative sample of student experiences and set reasonable expectations across a variety of models of student success?”