This week at NYU Abu Dhabi, disappointment is in the air. While hundreds of Global Leaders™ have been busy making moves in preparation for a socially distant but romantically intimate Valentine’s Day, a small group of community members has other ideas. With the foresight of Redditors squeezing $GME, they plan to capitalize on the foolish hopes of their overconfident peers. Having identified that the vast majority of romantics undervalue their prospective partner's faults, the intrepid cynics launched the perfect platform to capture the market for disappointed dates: Subtle NYUAD Ghosting.

“I’m calling it right now,” boasted the Facebook group’s founder Boulé Vardovbrok Indriems, Class of 2021. “No matter how well you think the night went, half of you will never hear from your date again. At least until you have to spend 12 awkward minutes next to — but 18 chihuahuas away from — them waiting for The Grill next Tuesday…”

Building on the wild success of Subtle NYUAD Dating, where friends advertise their single-and-looking-to-mingle peers, Subtle NYUAD Ghosting innovates on its wholesome, if horny, predecessor. While the former is like an enabler for people who lack the motivation or confidence to put themselves out there, the latter serves those who lack the motivation or confidence to take themselves out.

“I’m so glad I don’t need to take responsibility for my relationships anymore,” explained Insie Kuriteez, Class of 2022. “Rejecting vulnerability by letting someone else make the first move was great and all, but refusing to display a modicum of emotional maturity by letting them know in an open, respectful way that I’m not really into them but nonetheless wish them well — utterly fantastic. At this rate, I’ll never need to grow up!”

“Honestly, this group is gonna be so helpful,” added Avraj Phukboi, Class of 2022 and man-child who can’t tell the difference between female validation and character development. “When my Valentine’s date still somehow fails to magically fill the gaping void of emptiness inside my soul, I won’t need to engage in any introspection whatsoever. I’ll take anything to forget about a bad experience rather than learn from it.”

Indeed, Subtle NYUAD Ghosting promises to be a hub of unhealthy, dissatisfying and growth-stunting behavior. It may not be the platform NYUAD needs, but it’s certainly the one it deserves.

When asked to respond to this latest development, several confused but concerned members of the NYUAD Administration declined to comment. Instead, they used the interview to offer community health advice.

Associate Dean Mocktail Martinis urged students to keep their monogamous relationships alive as long as possible to avoid the inclination to gather in groups for platonic purposes. Later in the interview, he likewise thanked single students for “doing their part to prevent community transmission on Valentine’s by remaining sad and alone in their rooms all evening.”

Similarly, Dean of Students — and absolute snack — Kale Parsley reminded everyone with plans this Sunday to use protection. “Double mask and stay two meters apart,” he said. “You can never be too careful. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, anyway.”

The NYUAD student body should appreciate and honor the moments we get to share with those around us while we have them. Much like our present level of freedom on campus, you never know when they might disappear, never to be seen again.