Anguish filled the A5C 4th Floor Lounge last night as travel plans once again failed to materialize. Despite two half filled Google Docs, a spreadsheet of guesswork and a group chat with way too many people in it, London-born George Lawrence Edward Tudor-Becket III ‘21 could not figure out where to spend his 2020 spring break. Quite simply, there were too many former colonies he wanted to go back and visit.

“Jordan, Sri Lanka and Cyprus are all so exciting!” he explained in an exclusive Gazelle interview. “That’s to say nothing of India, Kenya and Egypt. How could I be expected to pick just one? God knows my ancestors couldn’t!”

Tudor-Becket III is far from alone in his excitement. French student Claire Alurlandar-Belongtous, class of 2022, has so far only narrowed down her list to Morocco, Lebanon and Cambodia. Likewise, half-Portuguese student Joa~o Datsalota-Pepper, class of 2020, struggled mightily between Mozambique and Goa.

While some students are traveling just to “see how they’ve gotten on without us,” others arrived at their post-colonial destinations purely by accident. When you’re from Western Europe it’s only a matter of time until you find yourself somewhere your grandparents thought was theirs. Intentional or not, scores of NYU Abu Dhabi students are set to visit their former subjects this March.

The burden of travel, however, is not evenly distributed across the former overlords. Japanese and Danish students, for example, find visiting their past dominions prohibitively expensive. “Why couldn’t my forefathers have painted a bit more of the map?” complained Vidar Alsogultysen, class of 2022. “Did they run out of flags or something? All I want is to travel somewhere cheaply without being encumbered by the local language! Is that really too much to ask?”

Indeed, the quest for the best post-colonial Instagram location tag has bred quite a string of complaints. Frustrated by the price listings for transport and accommodation, Tudor-Becket III slammed his laptop and went into a grand soliloquy.

“The tourist industry is just so extractive!” he exclaimed. “Every institution I have to deal with seems explicitly designed to separate me from my wealth. Am I seriously expected to accept this blatant exploitation for a whole week?”

Still, he’s managed to find some upsides to traveling. “Once you get away from the hotels and the fancy restaurants, everything is actually really cheap. It’s amazing what a weak currency will do for your vacation. Those structural adjustment loans are really paying off!”

The excitement, however, is not ubiquitous. New York study away student Krip Lingdet, class of 2021, seemed unimpressed: “Honestly former colonies are lame. Present colonies are where it’s at. Last year’s spring break in Puerto Rico was lit.”

Lingdet’s smugness, however, did not prevent her from checking Skyscanner for tickets to the Philippines halfway through The Gazelle’s interview.

As students from the Global North indecisively weigh their options, several members of the Global South have already finalized their plans. This semester, taking advantage of the strangely cheap tickets to Europe, they have decided to give their former colonial overlords a taste of their own medicine. In between snapping selfies at Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower, several students have planned to raid the Louvre and the British Museum.

“This is a rescue mission” explained Josti Fiablibitr, class of 2022. “Even if we somehow weren’t underwhelmed by the Mona Lisa, we’d leave it alone. We only want what’s rightfully ours.” By all appearances, the crack team of students is doing their best to stay restrained. “We think we’re behaving more than reasonably,” she continued, “we’ll even have the courtesy to leave once we’re done.”

Their plan can only commence, however, if they can get their UK and Schengen visas in time. Even having submitted an itinerary, bank statement, proof of college enrollment, complete genealogy, shoe size and name of their first celebrity crush, many students remained concerned about getting their visas in time.

Meanwhile, those with strong passports continue to blindly procrastinate — safe in the knowledge that their nation’s historical dominance likely ensures a visa on arrival to most of the world. Indeed, with no incentive to decide in advance where to travel, Tudor-Becket III will likely wallow in indecision for several more weeks.