A recent study by Health and Wellness reports that the average NYU Abu Dhabi student is over 40 percent watermelon by mass. After years of exposure to the one reason non-vegans approach the salad bar, the student body has become fused with their favorite food.

Over spring break, Health and Wellness conducted a double-blind bloodwork study to detect any irregularities in student physiology. To everyone’s surprise, platelets, plasma, red and white blood cells only made up 27 percent of the average student’s vascular fluids. Of the remaining 73 percent, watermelon composed 42 percent, a little over 19 percent was espresso, 8 percent was crippling insecurity dissolved in hot-pot broth, while the remaining 4 percent appears to be whatever people left in Baraha the night before.

“I had no idea!”, exclaimed Class of 2021 student, Canta Lopez. “How did this happen? I only eat 3 little brown bowls of watermelon a day. That’s nothing compared to some of the manics I see in the East Dining Hall. They must pile four or five kilograms of fruit onto their trays before they check out.”

Even a moderate diet like Lopez’s still puts you at risk. While watermelon saturation has no confirmed negative effects, a change can be detected after the very first bowl. Depending on the long-term consequences, which are yet to be determined, students may want to begin abstaining from the juicy delicacy.

In fact, we’ve already begun to see suspected symptoms.

“I’ve been thinking about my future a lot lately,” mused Class of 2019, Siti Zen. “I thought wanting to put down roots somewhere was just part of growing up, but I’d decided that I was too young to waste my life in suburbia. Now this watermelon business has got me second-guessing things. For all I know I might just grow actual roots at this point!”

Indeed, NYUAD students now seem to exhibit more and more traits of their favorite food. Just as in the case of watermelons, it has always been difficult to get through their hard exteriors, but once you break through, there’s usually something sweet inside. Unless they’re one of the pieces that should have been left to ripen and mature — then they’re just gross.

These obvious effects have highlighted just how much melon students on this campus really eat. Last year, NYUAD was the nation’s largest single watermelon consumer. To satiate our fruity desires, plans have been made to tow a massive melonberg on the coast of Saadiyat to supply fresh watermelon to campus for the next three years. However, while this scheme has been in the works for quite awhile now, it’s unclear when the frozen behemoth will actually arrive.

Regardless of the source, NYUAD needs the watermelon to keep flowing. While being made of watermelon doesn’t seem to require you to continue eating it, it’s unclear what the students could possibly replace it with. Partially ripe bananas with broken skin can only tide campus over for so long.