You’re not imagining it, every pair of students you see walking around together on campus actually is dating — especially in the dining hall. This revelation comes after a recent survey in which every NYU Abu Dhabi student reported that they and their partner have Valentine’s Day plans – except you, of course.

“I just knew it!” exclaimed Hugo Sipper, Class of 2021. “I knew that the two of them eating together last Tuesday was a sign of something! When he offered her his extra fries, it was clearly a subtle token of affection. I could read them faster than I skim the abstract as the professor struggles to plug in their laptop!”

Sipper’s vindication is not unique. Students all over campus have finally gotten the validation they so desperately wanted. In the words of Asu Ming, Class of 2020, “It feels good to know that every time I see people chatting in the library café or playing ping pong in the Baraha, all my baseless assumptions are actually true.”

Indeed, the recent revelation that everyone you think might be dating are actually dating has made judging social situations infinitely easier.

“It’s been hard since people stopped making things Facebook official several thousand years ago. I’ve had to use my words and risk looking like an idiot to learn things that were none of my business,” explained Josie Nosie, Class of 2019. “But now I just have to look out onto the highline, and presto! Walking to their building? Couple. Working on the grass? Couple. Offering directions to the latest KFC delivery driver? Couple. It’s so much easier without the need for discretion or logic!”

Of course there are still those clueless students who deny the recent findings. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said Class of 2022 student Nai Eve. “Sure they’re inseparable and really affectionate, but who's to say that those rings couldn’t just be decorative?”

Other students have more mixed emotions. For many, discovering that they’re surrounded by hundreds of healthy and happy couples has led to a crippling level of anxiety about their own singleness.

“Even the cats seem to get more attention than I do,” lamented Celly Bate, Class of 2021. “I walk into D2 for a weekend breakfast and all I can see are pairs of special someones. Just once I want to Netflix ‘n chill, but have it not just be me watching Friends to procrastinate as I freeze to death in the library.”

Interestingly, of those polled by The Gazelle, over 60 percent of singletons fantasized about a significant other, but didn’t actually want one. Most knew they lacked the maturity or vulnerability needed for a healthy relationship but desperately wanted an unattainable, magic solution for all of the insecurities they didn’t want to deal with right now.

These concerns soon became moot, however, since everyone who had been mistaken for dating discovered they are partners. As a result, nearly no one on campus is single anymore. In fact many of the more extroverted students have found themselves in a never ending web of polyamory.

“I woke up this morning to discover I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend with 24 other guys. I thought I was just being friendly,” sobbed Class of 2020 student Faith Fulton, “but now I have almost as many men in my life as GEPS does on its syllabus.”

Suffice it to say, the change in NYUAD’s dating scene has no shortage of fallout and will definitely make Valentine's Day exciting for everyone but you. There is one peculiar student, however, whose bizarre approach has left him surprisingly fulfilled. Justin Teres Ted Inchatin, Class of 2019, left campus stunned with his lifestyle. “I’m trying out this new fully open, highly-platonic relationship model,” he explained, “I still deeply care about people, just without wanting candlelit dinners or cuddling. I call it: friendship.”