Last week, NYU’s very own Wi-Fi broke down in the Registrar’s office after realizing that her transcript had over 2,391 dropped or incompleted connections. Wi-Fi​ had apparently forgotten that the Add/Drop period only lasted two weeks, and continued to drop (out) well into the fourth week of the semester.

“I just got so used to dropping whenever I wanted,” Wi-Fi​ explained. “If I had to download too many readings or the professor asked me too many questions, I’d just drop.”

During the first two weeks, Wi-Fi​ could drop out with little to no consequences.

“That’s why the whole campus gets an adjustment period,” she commented, “with password resets, swarms of first-years blindly posting on Room of Requirement, and now the VPN changes, even the more experienced community members need to reparse everything.”

When asked why she chose to drop her connection four weeks in, Wi-Fi​ responded, “I just couldn’t keep my life together. Maybe it’s hard for humans to understand, but it’s difficult to balance the bandwidth of Netflix, Khan Academy tutorials, flame wars on NYUAD Confessions and SkyScanner searches.”

While Wi-Fi​’s friends acknowledge her need for self-care, many have grown increasingly frustrated with her behavior.

“Wi-Fi​ and I had been together for a long time,” explained her significant other, “but now that I can’t connect with her, I find myself hooking up with ethernet cables all-over campus. Even though it only lasts a few hours at most, I somehow feel more tied down. I want the freedom of a stable connection again.”

Another student complained, “When Wi-Fi​ stopped sending messages, I had to actually talk with the people around me. My mouth has never been so tired!”

When The Gazelle reached out to Wi-Fi​’s parents in IT, they issued the same statement many of NYU Abu Dhabi parents offer upon seeing their child’s transcript, “We’re not mad, just disappointed.”

Looking to the future, Wi-Fi​ is concerned about how her choices will affect her life post-NYUAD. “What if no graduate schools want to install me? With so many failures on my record, I might as well not even graduate.”

Wi-Fi​ spent the better part of Wednesday weighing the merits of quitting university entirely. “I’m sure there’s a Starbucks somewhere that would take me! I’m not the global leader John Sexton envisioned, but I’m starting to realize I wasn’t made for that anyway! Besides, isn’t working at Starbucks a rite of passage after you leave a liberal arts school?” Wi-Fi​’s friends in the Class of 2019 met her final comment with nervous laughter.

Without a good transcript, it’s likely that Wi-Fi​’s future career will hinge exclusively on networking — just like everyone else’s. Unfortunately, Wi-Fi​’s inability to keep a stable connection is a troubling sign moving forward.