Jake Knowall, class of 2018, is one of several upperclassmen who seem to have no memory of having ever been freshmen. In the past month, he has taken to social media to express his frustration concerning the perception that “freshmen just don’t know anything about NYU Abu Dhabi or, quite frankly, about anything at all.” Knowall finds the current incoming freshman experience so different from his own that he is almost sure he was never actually one of them.

“I’ve just always known how everything works at NYUAD,” explained Knowall. “I knew about the search feature on Facebook groups and the Student Portal. I knew whom to email whenever I wanted to know something. I didn’t ever have to desperately ask others for help.”

The rising senior has no recollection of ever joining NYUAD’s Room of Requirement Facebook page and asking upperclassmen for help picking life-changing introductory classes. He also does not remember sending friend requests to either that junior who interned at Google because he was once considering double majoring in Economics and Computer Science or those other students who reminded him of his high school ex. He also seems to have never experienced anxiety because of moving to a campus on a desert island for four years.

“I often ask myself if I actually ever was a freshman,” continued Knowall. “I’m 99 percent sure I wasn’t. Maybe I somehow once was one, technically, but I was so busy having things figured out and being friends with the NYUAD alumni that I just never really got to go on one of those freshman desert camping trips. The year when I should have been a freshman is just such a blank for me.”

Knowall’s sentiments seem to be shared by numerous other upperclassmen, all of whom seem to have forgotten their first year at NYUAD. This epidemic has led to intensive research by staff at the Health and Wellness Center, who have now labeled it as Selective Upperclassman Amnesia.

“Their passports have student visas from their freshman year, so they were definitely here,” stated Dr. Elizabeth Strepsil, one of the staff members at Health and Wellness. “If you look through their social media accounts, they have pictures from Marhaba activities and various First Year Programming events. There is no doubt that they were once freshmen, but it seems they are going through a form of selective amnesia where most if not all of their experiences have been erased from their memory.”

When contacted for comment, Knowall declined, saying he was busy crafting an elaborate anonymous confession on the many ways that incoming freshmen have annoyed him.